Wow, it has been a long time in between blogs for this creature named Jason Jamieson. So much so in fact, that the face of blogging itself has transformed. It has evolved I guess you would say, from what was once mostly an online desktop activity to today, where blogs are posts... and posts are tweets... and comments are status, all shared from mobile devices with the velocity and constancy of an automatic rifle. For the record, if you were wondering about the status of that old creature, sitting, tweeting on that post... I shot him. ...Just kidding. :\
In all seriousness, my life has evolved as well, during this time and while I would like to claim it has all being for the better, that would amount to dishonesty ground into the truth. The reality is, I have spent 2 of the past 3 years falling as deeply into self destruction as life would allow. In spite of this, as of just over a year ago, I had truly found real love. Honest, life changing love. In reflection, which I've had plenty of time for lately, I can say with all clarity that this love is not the same as any relationship I was ever part of. Yes, before in my life I had found love, but this time, I can't begin to express how completely and sincerely I believe that I found perfection. Not perfection to everybody as some like challenge and conflict, some like someone tall, some like the rugged and rough, but absolute perfection to me. She is the one single person I have ever met, whom I could hold and happily never let go of. I don't know really how to put it into words except that she is no less than everything I adore and all I could ever wish for.
Now in order for you to understand, I need to catch you up. We need to travel back through about two years of lost soul and back again to a desperate fight to rebuild the man I was, only better. Yes, life gives us experiences that help us figure ourselves out. The tragedy I found, was having my experiences become controlling influences. They clouded the convictions I hold dear; they fractured the moral values I believe in. In the end, they took what was a man with his heart on his sleeve, an ear open to anyone, a faith in humanity and belief in the power of good over evil and reduced me to a man in the throws of addiction. The most frustrating part stems from knowing that this addiction, is little more than human judgement and percieved image in relation to who that man is today and shall forever remain. The most angering part apparently is that kharma, upon hearing you judge others for their struggles, finds it neccessary to smash you in the face and drive a spike through your chest in order to teach you a lesson. I went from a man who believed that all addicts were weak (all the while a cigarette smoker), to a man in the midst of a bad depression, hoping to find a way to escape it and winding up the exact picture of self destruction I had previously chastised. The most painful and heartbreaking, yet inspiring part, is that even through this horrid affliction, my true soul remained visible, fighting for survival and the most beautiful creature in the whole world fell in love with it.
Why? ... How?...
What could she possibly see in me?
...Yet, if she sees something, then why can't I?
Really? ...She sees real love in me...for me? ...Ok, then maybe I can believe again too ...right?
*My feelings of what you became as an addict were so effected by public perception. I felt once you were an addict, you were little more than garbage and destined for exile from the world. I knew who I loved (my children, my family, dear friends I'd had) but like some monster, I felt that I had to banish myself from them in order to save them from the same fate. I reasoned that occasional contact would be ok, but I was toxic and couldn't be kept around for long periods. It wasn't that I didn't want to be close. I desperately ached to be close. I just was afraid of hurting anybody... everybody. This, was perfect festering ground for addiction as it would only have to sit on the back burner for a short time each time, before rearing its ugly head again.
I thought I had gotten far enough away and everyone was safe and then I met her. She, looked at me like like nobody in this world ever had. There's never been anything I've spoken more honestly or seriously! No one..Nobody has ever looked at me the way she did! I believe somewhere inside she knew I was damaged from the start, but she never judged me. She looked right through me and into my soul She held my hand and my heart began to believe again. All of the sudden, my life wasn't just a lost cause. I might actually, in time earn the right to feel hope and happiness again. I was SO scared! She encouraged me when others scorned, she held me to task on rediscovering the man I was capable of and worked to her last breath each day to ensure we would succeed. I was weak. Painfully unconfident that I could succeed and fighting demons I desperately didn't want to allow anywhere near her. The problem is, if you don't face these demons with honesty and conviction, it allows them to keep a foothold and they will attack you in your moments of weakness. My fear of losing her, of losing any hope for myself once again, caused me to deny this truth. I lied to her. I lied to myself. I convinced myself I would beat this demon and never let it breathe again! But I couldn't. I tried... and for a time I was winning. I began to think this wasn't that hard. That it was simply mind over matter, but I was so wrong. Addiction doesn't just need to be beaten. You have to build resolve, develope resources, fortify your life and drag your confidence, kicking and screaming, back to where you are the true owner of yourself once again. This means alot of self evaluation to find every dishonesty and correct it. This means accepting when the world cannot believe you and continuing to be honest even in these times. This means allowing the most loved, cherished, adored people and events in your life the freedom to turn their backs should they choose to with no judgement. You are allowed to feel hurt. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to heal. You are not allowed to stop them. In the end, should those who matter most to you, still feel you matter most to them, then count yourself as loved and blessed beyond understanding.
Today, three years removed from me losing the man: who would willingly risk his life to save that of a stranger; who would allow his arm to fall asleep under her head to the point of horrible stinging pain rather than disturb the rest and peace of the woman he adores; who would drive days through a snowstorm because he believed in true romance, who would willingly help others succeed just to see the happiness in their eyes, who would go without food during visits so that his sons would have a meal, I stand before you...as Jason Jamieson... that same man once again. I have scars on my heart that will forever burn for the mistakes I have made, but I also have a love I never knew could exist and victory over a cruel demon that I will destroy every chance I get. If you can search your heart and see me for who I am once again, then I am truely grateful. If you cannot, then with a heavy heart and an open mind, I understand.
This wonderful lady and I are not together as I write this today but we do talk and visit each other. I begin and end every single day with a prayer that one day we will be again. I pray for her and I pray for her beautiful daughter. I pray for my sons. I pray for myself and for those I hold dear. For now, all I have is this: the knowledge that I found myself again, that I truly am a good, sincere, deserving man and that in my saddest, darkest time, I found the most precious gift anyone could ever hope for. I found true love.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Laying it all out there
I am sure this is not going to mean much to anybody except those who were there, but I feel that if I am ever going to move forward with my life, I have to get all the hurt out of my heart.
I was 17 years old and in my second year of high school when I fell in love for the first and possibly only time. I mean I have and do love other people, but to fall in love, I'm not sure anymore.
She was a smart, bubbly, beautiful cheerleader and I was to the best of my knowledge, in way over my head. What could she possibly see in me? I was tall, skinny, shy and hid behind sports, so as not to be seen as scared to death by all the challenges that lay ahead of me.
I first met her through a friend and it was as if I knew in that moment that she was the world to me. Now I couldn't outright say it, as I was completely losing composure while trying to be cool, but she seemed to know I was smitten, and in her eyes I felt the calm I had always looked for.
I did my best to be everywhere she was from that point onward, to the extent of being late for classes or finding excuses to leave early. We became part of a mixed bag of friends that absolutely loved one another and I had no doubt she was going to be with me for the rest of my life.
Then it happened. She was 16 and entirely at the will of her parents. They were looking for a better opportunity for work and it came...in Ontario. I was heartbroken. How could this possibly happen? Did they not know how this would tear a hole in the universe? I suppose they simply wanted the absolute best for their kids and needed to make it happen while they were still able. I couldn't blame them a bit. In fact to this very day I love them with all my heart. Her whole family was who I wanted in my life.
Now I was faced with the dilemma of how to get myself relocated to Ontario though. A miracle was about to unfold though that seemed the answer to all my prayers. My father and I had been planning a trip to Ontario that summer to see relatives and I was approaching my first year of junior hockey. This was it. I would convince my father that I would be much better off in Ontario where most of the NHL scouts were sure to be looking for talent and I'd arrange for accomodations in the meantime. I have no idea for the life of me how, but I convinced him. I made arrangements for lodging, tryouts and even got enrolled in school. It was going to be hard, but I was only two hours away from her now instead of two days and the league I was trying out for had a team only a few minutes from her home. She would be able to come see me play when I was in town. This could most certainly work. Now you know, the asian theory of yin and yang always seems to fall in along the lines of Murphys Law at about this point and not to let anyone down, the boom was dropped 3 days before my dad was to return alone. He wasn't going to let me stay. Crushed couldn't begin to express my feelings. Like the scene on Titanic where the young man slips beneath the icy water, I could see life falling away from me.
I left with my father, absolutely bitter..heartbroken and returned home to Alberta, depressed and angry at the world. They had no idea what i was feeling and to this day I hurt, for who I became; for how awfully I acted toward my stepmother upon my return. I just didn't care about life anymore. I didn't care about school, hockey, girlfriends, friends...not a single thing made me happy. Three months later I announced I was moving out and quitting school. I am sure and I'll say it's not at all unwarranted, that my stepmother was relieved. I was pretty miserable to this lady who had done her absolute best to be my "other" mom. A label placed on her by my father a few weeks before they got married. I was 7 at the time.
So off I went into oblivion with groceries and a few hundred dollars from my father. He said call me if you need anything, but my heart was cold and the only thing I heard was the words of my stepmom a few days earlier, "you'll come crawling back here for help. There's no way you're going to make it on your own." The sad part, is not that she was absolutely correct, but that I was too angry to stop and forgive everyone, including myself for needing people to care and love. I spent the next two years, living like I really had nobody to care about, or answer to and I spent many days party drunk or worse, not concerned if I was about to take my last breath. Finally after a year of direction from some wonderful instructors/friends/mentors at the Rosebud School for the Arts, I was given the chance I had missed when I was 17. My Grandparents were going to fly me down to Ontario for the summer and I knew that if I was able to get in touch with my H.S. sweetheart, we would be back as if no time had passed. Well it took a lot of work and it ultimately cost me my summer job at the time, but I made it down to see her. She was even more beautiful and I was in heaven for the time we spent and beyond. I just had no idea how to complete the task. How was I going to be able to make it down to Cambridge, where she was living, in order to see her again. I had gotten good at the self pity thing by now and allowed myself to drift away so as not to feel hurt again. A lot of time, jobs, a misguided marriage and divorce... life, passed by before we saw each other again, but this time I had felt all the pain I had wanted and knew if we were both willing, I could find a way to make things work with her. I travelled down from north or Orangeville and met her, shaking and nervous from the fear I had carried all my life as the tall, skinny, shy kid that adored her so. Then I saw those same warm, safe eyes that I had fallen in love with as a boy. The world was right again.
We spent the next two years in REAL happiness, adventuring, planning and looking towards the future. We had difficulties, but never anything that we couldn't face and overcome together. I admired her dedication to self, family and to me and decided I wanted to make our relationship permanent. I moved closer, bought the ring, sought everything I felt would make our futures together the best it could be. We were looking to buy/build our home when in my eyes things started to fall apart. Not in our love, but in my ability to feel worthy of her love. I was not happy with my job, had been unable to get approval for our mortgage and began to feel that I was not as good a life mate as she deserved. Three weeks before Christmas I made the decision I still regret to this day... and likely always will. I came to her and told her I was breaking up with her. Not because there was anything wrong, but because I felt we were moving in different directions in our lives. She had her business, had been approved to buy a townhouse and was looking to open a new studio in Cambridge. I was in effect, going nowhere. I couldn't see how happy she was just to be with me, only my own feeling of unworthiness to be with her. It was over and I had no reason why. At that point in my life I felt no reason for me and just held anybody who would hug me.
Six years later I still feel empty inside for the decision I made. I wish I had never made it, but time has passed and things have changed. I guess I looked for a place to hide and found it in an intelligent, caring woman, with whom I have had two children, ages 4 and 3. We are no longer together and I can't imagine we ever will be again, but we are still friends and as I try to piece together the parts of my life, I always come back to the lady that I always knew I loved and never gave myself the chance to fulfill that love for. Sherri Cook is her name and she is the one lady I always wanted to know, love and share my life with. From here I can only imagine what might have been and pray that she is well and happy, bringing joy to those around her, as she so often did for me. May god bless your life and those you touch Sherri. You deserve that... and so much more.
Jason
I was 17 years old and in my second year of high school when I fell in love for the first and possibly only time. I mean I have and do love other people, but to fall in love, I'm not sure anymore.
She was a smart, bubbly, beautiful cheerleader and I was to the best of my knowledge, in way over my head. What could she possibly see in me? I was tall, skinny, shy and hid behind sports, so as not to be seen as scared to death by all the challenges that lay ahead of me.
I first met her through a friend and it was as if I knew in that moment that she was the world to me. Now I couldn't outright say it, as I was completely losing composure while trying to be cool, but she seemed to know I was smitten, and in her eyes I felt the calm I had always looked for.
I did my best to be everywhere she was from that point onward, to the extent of being late for classes or finding excuses to leave early. We became part of a mixed bag of friends that absolutely loved one another and I had no doubt she was going to be with me for the rest of my life.
Then it happened. She was 16 and entirely at the will of her parents. They were looking for a better opportunity for work and it came...in Ontario. I was heartbroken. How could this possibly happen? Did they not know how this would tear a hole in the universe? I suppose they simply wanted the absolute best for their kids and needed to make it happen while they were still able. I couldn't blame them a bit. In fact to this very day I love them with all my heart. Her whole family was who I wanted in my life.
Now I was faced with the dilemma of how to get myself relocated to Ontario though. A miracle was about to unfold though that seemed the answer to all my prayers. My father and I had been planning a trip to Ontario that summer to see relatives and I was approaching my first year of junior hockey. This was it. I would convince my father that I would be much better off in Ontario where most of the NHL scouts were sure to be looking for talent and I'd arrange for accomodations in the meantime. I have no idea for the life of me how, but I convinced him. I made arrangements for lodging, tryouts and even got enrolled in school. It was going to be hard, but I was only two hours away from her now instead of two days and the league I was trying out for had a team only a few minutes from her home. She would be able to come see me play when I was in town. This could most certainly work. Now you know, the asian theory of yin and yang always seems to fall in along the lines of Murphys Law at about this point and not to let anyone down, the boom was dropped 3 days before my dad was to return alone. He wasn't going to let me stay. Crushed couldn't begin to express my feelings. Like the scene on Titanic where the young man slips beneath the icy water, I could see life falling away from me.
I left with my father, absolutely bitter..heartbroken and returned home to Alberta, depressed and angry at the world. They had no idea what i was feeling and to this day I hurt, for who I became; for how awfully I acted toward my stepmother upon my return. I just didn't care about life anymore. I didn't care about school, hockey, girlfriends, friends...not a single thing made me happy. Three months later I announced I was moving out and quitting school. I am sure and I'll say it's not at all unwarranted, that my stepmother was relieved. I was pretty miserable to this lady who had done her absolute best to be my "other" mom. A label placed on her by my father a few weeks before they got married. I was 7 at the time.
So off I went into oblivion with groceries and a few hundred dollars from my father. He said call me if you need anything, but my heart was cold and the only thing I heard was the words of my stepmom a few days earlier, "you'll come crawling back here for help. There's no way you're going to make it on your own." The sad part, is not that she was absolutely correct, but that I was too angry to stop and forgive everyone, including myself for needing people to care and love. I spent the next two years, living like I really had nobody to care about, or answer to and I spent many days party drunk or worse, not concerned if I was about to take my last breath. Finally after a year of direction from some wonderful instructors/friends/mentors at the Rosebud School for the Arts, I was given the chance I had missed when I was 17. My Grandparents were going to fly me down to Ontario for the summer and I knew that if I was able to get in touch with my H.S. sweetheart, we would be back as if no time had passed. Well it took a lot of work and it ultimately cost me my summer job at the time, but I made it down to see her. She was even more beautiful and I was in heaven for the time we spent and beyond. I just had no idea how to complete the task. How was I going to be able to make it down to Cambridge, where she was living, in order to see her again. I had gotten good at the self pity thing by now and allowed myself to drift away so as not to feel hurt again. A lot of time, jobs, a misguided marriage and divorce... life, passed by before we saw each other again, but this time I had felt all the pain I had wanted and knew if we were both willing, I could find a way to make things work with her. I travelled down from north or Orangeville and met her, shaking and nervous from the fear I had carried all my life as the tall, skinny, shy kid that adored her so. Then I saw those same warm, safe eyes that I had fallen in love with as a boy. The world was right again.
We spent the next two years in REAL happiness, adventuring, planning and looking towards the future. We had difficulties, but never anything that we couldn't face and overcome together. I admired her dedication to self, family and to me and decided I wanted to make our relationship permanent. I moved closer, bought the ring, sought everything I felt would make our futures together the best it could be. We were looking to buy/build our home when in my eyes things started to fall apart. Not in our love, but in my ability to feel worthy of her love. I was not happy with my job, had been unable to get approval for our mortgage and began to feel that I was not as good a life mate as she deserved. Three weeks before Christmas I made the decision I still regret to this day... and likely always will. I came to her and told her I was breaking up with her. Not because there was anything wrong, but because I felt we were moving in different directions in our lives. She had her business, had been approved to buy a townhouse and was looking to open a new studio in Cambridge. I was in effect, going nowhere. I couldn't see how happy she was just to be with me, only my own feeling of unworthiness to be with her. It was over and I had no reason why. At that point in my life I felt no reason for me and just held anybody who would hug me.
Six years later I still feel empty inside for the decision I made. I wish I had never made it, but time has passed and things have changed. I guess I looked for a place to hide and found it in an intelligent, caring woman, with whom I have had two children, ages 4 and 3. We are no longer together and I can't imagine we ever will be again, but we are still friends and as I try to piece together the parts of my life, I always come back to the lady that I always knew I loved and never gave myself the chance to fulfill that love for. Sherri Cook is her name and she is the one lady I always wanted to know, love and share my life with. From here I can only imagine what might have been and pray that she is well and happy, bringing joy to those around her, as she so often did for me. May god bless your life and those you touch Sherri. You deserve that... and so much more.
Jason
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