Wow, it has been a long time in between blogs for this creature named Jason Jamieson. So much so in fact, that the face of blogging itself has transformed. It has evolved I guess you would say, from what was once mostly an online desktop activity to today, where blogs are posts... and posts are tweets... and comments are status, all shared from mobile devices with the velocity and constancy of an automatic rifle. For the record, if you were wondering about the status of that old creature, sitting, tweeting on that post... I shot him. ...Just kidding. :\

In all seriousness, my life has evolved as well, during this time and while I would like to claim it has all being for the better, that would amount to dishonesty ground into the truth. The reality is, I have spent 2 of the past 3 years falling as deeply into self destruction as life would allow. In spite of this, as of just over a year ago, I had truly found real love. Honest, life changing love. In reflection, which I've had plenty of time for lately, I can say with all clarity that this love is not the same as any relationship I was ever part of. Yes, before in my life I had found love, but this time, I can't begin to express how completely and sincerely I believe that I found perfection. Not perfection to everybody as some like challenge and conflict, some like someone tall, some like the rugged and rough, but absolute perfection to me. She is the one single person I have ever met, whom I could hold and happily never let go of. I don't know really how to put it into words except that she is no less than everything I adore and all I could ever wish for.

Now in order for you to understand, I need to catch you up. We need to travel back through about two years of lost soul and back again to a desperate fight to rebuild the man I was, only better. Yes, life gives us experiences that help us figure ourselves out. The tragedy I found, was having my experiences become controlling influences. They clouded the convictions I hold dear; they fractured the moral values I believe in. In the end, they took what was a man with his heart on his sleeve, an ear open to anyone, a faith in humanity and belief in the power of good over evil and reduced me to a man in the throws of addiction. The most frustrating part stems from knowing that this addiction, is little more than human judgement and percieved image in relation to who that man is today and shall forever remain. The most angering part apparently is that kharma, upon hearing you judge others for their struggles, finds it neccessary to smash you in the face and drive a spike through your chest in order to teach you a lesson. I went from a man who believed that all addicts were weak (all the while a cigarette smoker), to a man in the midst of a bad depression, hoping to find a way to escape it and winding up the exact picture of self destruction I had previously chastised. The most painful and heartbreaking, yet inspiring part, is that even through this horrid affliction, my true soul remained visible, fighting for survival and the most beautiful creature in the whole world fell in love with it.

Why? ... How?...
What could she possibly see in me?
...Yet, if she sees something, then why can't I?
Really? ...She sees real love in me...for me? ...Ok, then maybe I can believe again too ...right?

*My feelings of what you became as an addict were so effected by public perception. I felt once you were an addict, you were little more than garbage and destined for exile from the world. I knew who I loved (my children, my family, dear friends I'd had) but like some monster, I felt that I had to banish myself from them in order to save them from the same fate. I reasoned that occasional contact would be ok, but I was toxic and couldn't be kept around for long periods. It wasn't that I didn't want to be close. I desperately ached to be close. I just was afraid of hurting anybody... everybody. This, was perfect festering ground for addiction as it would only have to sit on the back burner for a short time each time, before rearing its ugly head again.

I thought I had gotten far enough away and everyone was safe and then I met her. She, looked at me like like nobody in this world ever had. There's never been anything I've spoken more honestly or seriously! No one..Nobody has ever looked at me the way she did! I believe somewhere inside she knew I was damaged from the start, but she never judged me. She looked right through me and into my soul She held my hand and my heart began to believe again. All of the sudden, my life wasn't just a lost cause. I might actually, in time earn the right to feel hope and happiness again. I was SO scared! She encouraged me when others scorned, she held me to task on rediscovering the man I was capable of and worked to her last breath each day to ensure we would succeed. I was weak. Painfully unconfident that I could succeed and fighting demons I desperately didn't want to allow anywhere near her. The problem is, if you don't face these demons with honesty and conviction, it allows them to keep a foothold and they will attack you in your moments of weakness. My fear of losing her, of losing any hope for myself once again, caused me to deny this truth. I lied to her. I lied to myself. I convinced myself I would beat this demon and never let it breathe again! But I couldn't. I tried... and for a time I was winning. I began to think this wasn't that hard. That it was simply mind over matter, but I was so wrong. Addiction doesn't just need to be beaten. You have to build resolve, develope resources, fortify your life and drag your confidence, kicking and screaming, back to where you are the true owner of yourself once again. This means alot of self evaluation to find every dishonesty and correct it. This means accepting when the world cannot believe you and continuing to be honest even in these times. This means allowing the most loved, cherished, adored people and events in your life the freedom to turn their backs should they choose to with no judgement. You are allowed to feel hurt. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to heal. You are not allowed to stop them. In the end, should those who matter most to you, still feel you matter most to them, then count yourself as loved and blessed beyond understanding.

Today, three years removed from me losing the man: who would willingly risk his life to save that of a stranger; who would allow his arm to fall asleep under her head to the point of horrible stinging pain rather than disturb the rest and peace of the woman he adores; who would drive days through a snowstorm because he believed in true romance, who would willingly help others succeed just to see the happiness in their eyes, who would go without food during visits so that his sons would have a meal, I stand before you...as Jason Jamieson... that same man once again. I have scars on my heart that will forever burn for the mistakes I have made, but I also have a love I never knew could exist and victory over a cruel demon that I will destroy every chance I get. If you can search your heart and see me for who I am once again, then I am truely grateful. If you cannot, then with a heavy heart and an open mind, I understand.

This wonderful lady and I are not together as I write this today but we do talk and visit each other. I begin and end every single day with a prayer that one day we will be again. I pray for her and I pray for her beautiful daughter. I pray for my sons. I pray for myself and for those I hold dear. For now, all I have is this: the knowledge that I found myself again, that I truly am a good, sincere, deserving man and that in my saddest, darkest time, I found the most precious gift anyone could ever hope for. I found true love.